Real-Life Decision Making -- Solution
You tell them you're sorry, but you simply won't be able to recommend them as potential adoptive parents.
Paula and Joe are shocked when you tell them they won't make good parents. Paula starts to cry and reminds you how well the visit went up to that point and asks you how you can judge them on one little thing.
"We both work with kids every day," she says. "How can you say we wouldn't make good parents? Everybody fights."
Joe turns his anger on you: "This wasn't even any of your business! I don't think you really know anything about who would make good parents. How can you know what it's like? Get out of my house! We'll find someone else to assess us, and believe me, they'll do it right."
Joe and Paula are able to find someone else to do the assessment and approve them as potential parents. But at least your conscience is clear -- it wasn't you who recommended them. A few months later, they adopt a little girl. It's true that they aren't bad people, but the unresolved issue puts strain on their marriage.
The girl they adopt appears healthy and beautiful, but she suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome and needs extra patience and attention. Unfortunately, her adoptive parents' marriage ends up breaking down.
Although both Joe and Paula love her and want to help her, it is difficult for them to deal with her special needs while she is traveling between their homes -- especially since Joe has moved to another city. Paula and Joe aren't able to talk about their daughter's needs and the girl, feeling misunderstood, becomes even more moody and aggressive. She will need quite a lot of help.
Adoption counselor Glory To had something like this happen once when he was doing a home study. He said to them: "I think that this is not a really good time to continue with this adoption study. It looks like you have some issues to resolve. I would really feel uncomfortable unless there is some clear evidence that you have resolved this. I would recommend marriage counseling."
The couple did go for marriage counseling and they were able to learn what was behind this issue and how to work through such difficulties in their relationship. It took some time, but about a year and a half later, they were ready for a new home study.
To was able to approve them and they adopted a child. It was a tough decision, but To was able to stand by his assessment and help the couple to better prepare for parenthood.